We would love to listen in on the next phone call between Tom Holmoe, BYU's athletic director and Chris Hill, the AD at Utah. Since the chances of that ever happening are zero to none, we have made up our own phone call with what we would like to hear in that conversation.
Ring a ding ding Desert Duel Hot Line
TH: Hello, this is Tom Holmoe. I am not able to come to the phone right now. I am unable to comment on conference expansion and yes I realize I am the only athletic director west of the Mississippi that hasn't commented. Yes, I know it makes me look inefficient, inept and in a fog, but when I am finally allowed to speak, you can be sure that it will be in compliance with BYU's public relations policies and politics.You can also bet that the eventual statement will not reflect my true feelings about what has happened over the last two weeks to college football in general and BYU football in particular.Meanwhile, If you want to know about the latest color of our uniforms, press 1. If you want to know about our most recent Learfield Sports Director's Cup (formerly called the Sears Cup) standings, press 34. If you want to know Utah's Cup standing, press any number above 50. If you are as disappointed as I am about the Utes going to the Pac 10 press either 34 or 71. That would be 3 wins in the last 4 football games against the Utes and 7 wins out of the last 8 tries in basketball.
CH: Tom, get a grip, pick up. We need to talk.
TH: Okay, What up dog? Oops, I mean congratulations on the Pac 10 invite.
CH: Thanks. Hey I need a little help. It turns out all the Pac 10 euphoria has a few problems. That's why I'm calling.
TH: What do you need?
CH: Well for starters, I need a little help with facilities. Do you think we could rent LaVell Edwards Stadium for future football games. Turns out we have the second smallest stadium in the Pac 10. We plan on expanding our stadium, but as you know, we can only do it on the back of the Olympics. If Salt Lake City can somehow get the nod again for hosting the 2042 Winter Games, we will be in business.
TH: Sorry Chris, no can do, but here's a suggestion. You might want to call Dave Checketts and see about Rio Tinto Stadium in Sandy. Four years of sub .500 seasons and 20,000 seats would just about meet your needs in 2015.
CH: Come on Tom. You know we have been drawing 40-thousand plus per game at home over the last few seasons.
TH: Yeah, I know, but you forget that you drew that gate while BYU was always on the road. The MWC never scheduled home games for BYU and Utah on the same day while we were in the same conference. Good luck with manufacturing those numbers when we go head-to-head competing for the college football dollars in the state.
CH: Yeah, but remember. We are selling USC and UCLA.
TH: Yeah, but remember, we sold Northern Iowa and drew 64,000.
CH: Okay then. How about we agree not to schedule games at home stadiums on the same Saturdays? To make it worth your time, I will throw in an extra home-and-home gymnastics meet between the two schools.
TH: Nope. Remember, if a balance beam falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, it doesn't make any noise and it certainly doesn't make any money, especially when you comp the tickets.
CH: Okay, what about renting us your soccer and softball facilities? It is going to be embarrassing when we bring in the Pac 10 prima donnas and they see we are basically playing at a city park. If we could get them to fly in late at night, we could bus them to Provo and tell them they are still in Salt Lake City. We would save face and you would get an additional rent check for your budget.
TH: Can't do it. Speaking of that. I can't let you butt in front of the line for getting on our future football schedules. Utah State has been very patient. If you do still want to play us annually, it will have to be in Provo.
CH: No way. We're in the Pac 10. We are big boys now.San Jose State and Louisiana Monroe have already called me.
TH: Have it your way. We will probably still be playing you for the next few years. Remember, the Las Vegas Bowl features the winner of the MWC and the Pac 10 fifth-place finisher.
CH: That's a cheap shot Tom. Just wait until the Pac 10 affiliation dramatically improves our recruiting. Then you'll be sorry.
TH: Good luck with that. You have been recruiting Pac 10 leftovers for the last decade. Even if the upper echelon doesn't have enough scholarships for all the top prospects, they are going to make an all out effort to see that the leftovers don't head your way. It makes a difference when you are in head-to-head competition with those research institutions.
CH: Yeah, but we are now going to clean up on the Mormon prospects in recruiting. When it comes to playing for a Pac 10 school and a MWC school, it is a no-brainer.
TH: Are you calling Jake Heaps dumb?
CH: No, but we are now going to own the Mormon recruiting market.
TH: Be careful what you wish for Chris. You will be taking the heat off BYU and going from the frying pan to the fire in the real world of recruiting. You guys did a great job of selling yourselves as a secular school. The academic types of the Pac 10 bought what your were selling. The athletic personnel of those same schools won't be so eager to drink the same kool aid.
CH: What do you mean?
TH: As far as your Pac 10 competitors are concerned you now are the Mormon school with whom they will be competing. Remember, you have Mormon coaches, a Mormon President, a roster full of Mormon players, that is situated in a Mormon city. Prop 8 covers a lot of ground, including football. Just a heads up. Wait until the Stanford band and the Arizona student sections gets a piece of you. Thanks for the diversion and taking some of the heat off us.
CH: Sticks and stones may break my bones but word can't hurt us. And remember, you still have to play Wyoming in Laramie.
TH: Yeah, good luck with Wazoo in Pullman. And remember, while I have no official comment on your invitation to the Pac 10, Max Hall still does.
